


Scrubbed and Polished

by Nepthys



Series: Edith and Edna: Adventures in Cleaning [2]
Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-08
Updated: 2010-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-06 00:16:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nepthys/pseuds/Nepthys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Innuendo, slashy speculation and saucy gossip with the police station cleaners. Pass the slash goggles, Edith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Scrubbed and Polished

**Author's Note:**

> Part 6 of the series

***

"Did you have a nice weekend, Edith?"

"It was all right. Spent most of it searching for Auntie Ada's false teeth – she will keep on taking 'em out and forgetting where she's left 'em, poor old dear."

"Isn't she your Jack's auntie?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"I thought she'd died?"

"No – she just moved to Accrington. Anyway, what about you – how's George?"

"Well, the swelling's gone down but he's still walking like John Wayne."

"Oh dear – don't suppose he'll be back on his bike anytime soon!"

"I have no sympathy, Edith, really I don't. He _knows_ I'm half-way through knitting myself a new bed-jacket, but does he look before plonking himself down on the settee? – no, he does not."

"Ooooo!"

"I know - I had to completely unravel it and start again."

"What did the doctor have to say?"

"Said he'd never seen anything like it."

"Oh – is it a complicated pattern, then?"

"He was talking about _George_, dear. Said if it had been half-an-inch either way he'd have lost one."

"Oh, no!"

"Just between you, me and the gatepost, Edith, I'm not sure as I'd notice – it's not like he puts them to good use, if you know what I mean."

"Edna!"

"Well, honestly, I'm fed up to the back-teeth with the man. So much so, I was even looking forward to coming to work and doing the locker room this morning."

"I doubt that'll last long – just look at the state of this place!"

"Pooooh! The smell in here is enough to make your hair curl! And will you look at that – how did they get up there?"

"Goodness only knows. Here, pass me that broom and I'll hook them down."

"Careful, Edith, you wouldn't want a face-full!"

"Here we are: _'C&amp;A – Small'_. Young Christopher's, I'll warrant."

"Yes, but what are his Y-fronts doing dangling from the lights, and what's he wearin' to go home in, that's what I want to know."

"Ooooo, so do I - I can just picture it!"

"Edith! You're getting carried away!"

"Hehe – I'd like to let young Chris get carried away..."

"Honestly! For a respectable married woman you haven't half got a filthy imagination."

"Not as filthy as this place."

"You're right there. Men - dirty beggars, all of 'em! Pass me that mop and bucket, would you, I'm going to give this floor a thorough going over."

"Ooooh – speaking of which, did you hear about all the hoo-haa over the weekend?"

"What hoo-haa?"

"With the firemen and DI Tyler being caught in a lady's dressing gown?"

"What?!"

"Well, you know how it was his birthday on Saturday?"

"No - you never mentioned that."

"I meant to tell you, but with all the kerfuffle over the new postman it went clear out of my mind..."

"Well?"

"Oh, he always leaves the gate open and he keeps mixing us up with number seventy-three, which is really inconvenient because she's deaf as a post, you know, Mrs. Kendal, so she never hears when I call round to get our letters off her, and-"

"Never mind about the postman, Edith, what about _Sam_?"

"Oh, yes, well, it was his birthday on Saturday. He told Marjorie's sister earlier last week apparently, when she bumped into him on the doorstep getting her special order. She gets up early for it, you know."

"Really?"

"You have to if you want cream. And I don't think she's the only one, if you see what I mean."

"Well I suppose not. I know for a fact that Mrs. Bridges two doors down from her buys it for her cat."

"I'm not talking about that sort of cream."

"Well what...? Oh, Edith, honestly! Thought we decided not to pry after that last incident with the binoculars?"

"Marjorie says her sister can't but help overhear things sometimes."

"Still sleeping in the back bedroom, is she?"

"Well, she says the view out the window is nicer. And it's not prying when you're just an innocent bystander."

"Innocent my foot - there's nowt innocent about Marjorie's sister!"

"Well, anyway. So, she asks him if he's doing anything special, like, and he says no, he's just going to spend the evening at home."

"So?"

"You know! _Evening at home_ \- we all know what _that_ means."

"Yes, all right, there's no need to nudge me like that, Edith."

"Well, turns out that DCI Hunt was planning a bit of a surprise for him."

"Like a surprise party? That's nice."

"A party just for two, if you get my drift."

"Really, Edith!"

"Only it turns out that he'd been a bit too ambitious..."

"Oh? Dear me."

"Yes - _overreached himself,_ didn't he."

"Really?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Not wise for a man his age."

"Oh, Edna - he's hardly knocking on heaven's door!"

"No, I know, but it's not wise to be pushing yourself with...you know...strange new activities when you're not as flexible as you once were."

"Well, quite true. But he'd been following a book, you see. Actually, I think Marjorie's sister said he'd been following a couple of different ones but then decided to make it up as he went along..."

"Gracious me! I had no idea he was so adventurous in that department."

"No, well, apparently it's normally Sam who does that sort of thing."

"I can just imagine...Goodness, is it me, or is it getting hot in here?"

"It does seem a bit warm. Here – fan yourself with this duster."

"So what happened?"

"Well, like I said, DCI Hunt had wanted to surprise him, what with it being his birthday and all."

"I bet the ladies' clothes were a surprise! Although...Sam does have the legs for it. Come to think of it, he could probably get away with something knee-length and a nice court shoe, what with those trim ankles of his."

"What on God's green earth are you going on about, Edna?"

"Sam. In a lady's frock. Never thought that DCI Hunt was so kinky, though - and fancy having to be rescued from a compromising position by the fire brigade!"

"Well, I don't know about compromising, but setting your own kitchen on fire is certainly embarrassing."

"Dear Lord – _conflagrante delicto!_"

"No, I think Marjorie said it was _Coq au Vin._"

"I've never heard it called _that_ before!"

"Oh, yes. That's your actual French – and you know what _they're_ like!"

"Well! I wouldn't have believed it of DCI Hunt! But if he will try these deviant foreign things, what can he expect."

"He certainly bit off more than he could chew."

"Oh, my God, Edith – you don't mean _literally?!_"

"No, of course not. They didn't have anything to chew, did they, what with their dinner having gone up in smoke."

"Their dinner...? Hang on, Edith, what happened, exactly?"

"I told you: DCI Hunt thought he'd treat Sam to a nice home-cooked birthday dinner and he went and set the kitchen on fire. But see, that's what comes of not sticking to the one recipe. Like Marjorie said, all he had to do was pop next door and ask her sister and she'd have told him he wasn't supposed to flambé it."

"What was all that about Sam in ladies' clothes, then?"

"Well, he wasn't in _anything_ at first, was he; poor lad was having a bath at the time. Lucky Marjorie's sister was around to quickly lend him something or he'd have been left standing in the street just as nature intended, if you see what I mean."

"So...DCI Hunt set the kitchen on fire, and then they had to call the fire brigade?"

"Yes – isn't that what I just said?"

"And Sam had to run out in the altogether and borrow Marjorie's sister's dressing gown?"

"Yes! Except it was more of a peignoir, really."

"Not that one Jim bought her for Valentine's Day?"

"Yes, that's the one."

"Oh, my God – that's hardly suitable for Sam!"

"Well, no – 'Vixen Red' isn't really his colour. 'Peaches &amp; Cream' would have been much better..."

"No, Edith! I meant _it's see-through!!!_"

"Yes, I know! But Marjorie's sister said everything else was in the wash."

"What a coincidence..."

"Well, she _is_ very thorough."

"That she is."

"And what's more - she said _he's got a remarkably small one!_"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Really? You wouldn't think it, would you, not going by those tight shorts we saw him in last summer."

"Oh, honestly, Edna, I don't think you'd have been able to see his appendix scar through his shorts - not even _before_ we broke your binoculars."

"His appendix scar...? Oh, I'm going to have to have a sit down."

"You've gone all flushed, Edna. What did you think I meant?"

"His...you know...wedding tackle."

"Oh! Well, Marjorie says her sister did get an eyeful when Sam turned round..."

"Yes?"

"...then Mrs. Bridges keeled over in a dead faint and the fireman she landed on fell over and twisted his ankle."

"And?"

"And then the ambulance driver gave Sam a blanket."

"Oh. Shame, that."

"That's what Marjorie's sister said."

"Oh, well. So no-one else was hurt, were they?"

"No, no. Just singed their kitchen a bit. Well, that and DCI Hunt's eyebrows, but they'll soon grow back."

"I have to say, Edith, there's a lesson to be learned there."

"There certainly is, Edna."

"Don't try going from 'oops-on-toast to Gordon Blue in one fell swoop."

"Exactly. And if you _are_ going to flambé something..."

"Yes?"

"Stub your fag out first!"

 

***

END 


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